blog list:
- january 5th
it’s only the fifth day of the year and somehow i already feel like i’ve lived a full chapter. last week i sat under a table, quietly, eating twelve grapes one by one. i tried to be intentional with each wish, as if the universe was listening closely. some of them were hopeful. some were… Read more: january 5th - on death, but mostly on remembering
i did not lose someone in the way people usually mean when they say that word. there was no immediate absence in my daily routine. no chair suddenly empty at the table. no phone number i had to stop scrolling past. but recently, my mom found out her cousin passed away. and somehow, even at… Read more: on death, but mostly on remembering - learning to trust the spiral
this year unfolded like a spiral. not a collapse, not a detour, but a return that never quite landed in the same place twice. i used to think spirals were failures of direction. proof that i hadn’t learned the lesson the first time. but a friend reframed it for me in a way that changed… Read more: learning to trust the spiral - limbo is not a lack of faith
i always felt uneasy in church. not in a loud way. not in a way that made me want to run out the doors. it was quieter than that. i loved church. i loved the ritual, the music, the idea that there was something bigger than me that cared whether i made it home safely.… Read more: limbo is not a lack of faith - leaving nonchalance in 2025 and going into 2026 with clarity.
i am done translating silence into interest. done confusing distance with depth. done romanticizing people who show up halfway and call it mystery. nonchalance is not emotional maturity. it is emotional avoidance dressed well. boyhood interrupted is realizing how many of us learned to shrink our wants to keep other people comfortable. to accept crumbs… Read more: leaving nonchalance in 2025 and going into 2026 with clarity. - phantom pain.
that’s what it felt like, this strange ache for a version of me that doesn’t exist anymore. isn’t it wild how the brain plays these quiet tricks? how it can make you feel something you thought you’d outgrown, like an emotional ghost brushing past your shoulder.i was trying to explain it to my psychiatrist, this… Read more: phantom pain. - a sociological love letter
this past week in sociology, my professor asked us to write about how our lives have been shaped by social structures. you know yourself better than anyone, the prompt read, and yet i realized how much of myself has been molded by forces far beyond me.i’ve always loved this class. it makes me feel alive.… Read more: a sociological love letter - the art of becoming
wow, i can’t believe it. twenty. my second decade. how did i even get here? growing up, i couldn’t picture eighteen, let alone twenty. sometimes i still feel like that kid who used to stare out the window at night, wondering when life would finally start… but now i’m starting to feel like maybe it… Read more: the art of becoming - addictions
addiction the more you look, the more you see that addiction is not one thing. it does not always come in the form of a bottle or a pill. sometimes it is a pattern, a chase, a hunger for intensity. for me it is not about a single substance. i am addicted to the rush… Read more: addictions - guess who’s back
hi guys it’s been a quick minute. my last blog post (that i posted) was on mother’s day which feels like a lifetime ago. life has been messy and loud since then, summer drama, family chaos, school, and then my trip abroad that shifted everything for me. portugal. i went there not knowing a single… Read more: guess who’s back - mother’s day heartbreak
it’s mother’s day. i’m alone in a café, somewhere between flashcards and caffeine, studying for one of the hardest finals of my life. the place is full but feels hollow. i hear clinking mugs, low music, and conversations that blur into each other… but all i can really hear is my own heart, pounding in… Read more: mother’s day heartbreak - we’re all just looking, but where are we looking?
it’s 10 p.m. and i’m lying in bed, music playing low in my ears, half-ignoring the stack of studying waiting for me. my screen lights up on tiktok, with a quote that stops me mid-scroll: “sex is the closest you’ll ever get to someone’s soul and people turned it into a hobby.” and it hit… Read more: we’re all just looking, but where are we looking? - i only threw this party for you
(play “party 4 u” while reading.) 1: getting ready (a.k.a. the delusion stage) there’s a special kind of silence before a frat party. it’s not peace. it’s preparation. it’s war. i’m in front of the mirror, tightest skims top on, black, duh. gold chain catching the room light just right. baggy jeans sitting low. lip… Read more: i only threw this party for you - almost forgot that this is the point
i’m scrolling on tiktok on some random day, not expecting anything more than the usual mindless entertainment. but video after video, i see people soaking up the sun, dancing, laughing with friends, sipping coffee on balconies, captioning their moments with the same phrase: “almost forgot that this is the point.” at first, it doesn’t hit.… Read more: almost forgot that this is the point - never good enough, always more than enough
you know what’s really sad? realizing you’ll never be good enough for anyone. maybe it’s just the way i care too much about how people perceive me. maybe i analyze every word, every glance, every shift in energy a little too deeply. but what can i say? i’m an overthinker. always have been, always will… Read more: never good enough, always more than enough - the weight of a truth untold
there’s always that one thing. the quiet storm brewing beneath the surface, the flaw in the foundation that you learn to live with until, one day, it cracks. for some, it’s an old heartbreak, a fear of failure, a past they can’t outrun. for me? it’s the fact that I’m gay and my family doesn’t… Read more: the weight of a truth untold - berkeley: where innovation meets imitation
i couldn’t help but wonder… was I a Berkeley student, or just another cog in the silicon valley machine? there I was, sitting in class, talking about the culture of uc berkeley—particularly its intimidatingly selective clubs and hyper-competitive departments. it’s a place where getting into a club sometimes feels more impossible than getting into the… Read more: berkeley: where innovation meets imitation - the weight of love: am i the problem?
there’s something truly magical about finding someone who makes you feel like you deserve everything good in the world. someone you can be unapologetically yourself with. it’s healing in ways words can’t fully capture. the past heartbreaks, the failed situationships, the doubts all start to dissolve, like waves pulling away from the shore. but here’s… Read more: the weight of love: am i the problem? - self-care, nail polish, and a little bit of therapy
i couldn’t quite place the feeling. that kind of weighty emptiness that creeps in when everything on the surface seems fine. my to-do list was clear, my assignments finished early (for once), and I figured, why not? maybe what I needed was a little indulgence, a small luxury to remind myself that I exist outside… Read more: self-care, nail polish, and a little bit of therapy - learning to live again
before college, my life was on repeat. same routine, same places, same everything. it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exciting either. every day felt like a copy of the last, and i didn’t even realize how stagnant i had become. then, college happened. i met this guy who’s a bit older, but when we talked,… Read more: learning to live again - the courage to be yourself
a few days ago, a creator i deeply admire came out to the world, only to be rejected by the very people he called family. this is someone who, despite having a more feminine personality, has always been unapologetically himself. he built his family’s platform, helped them gain fame, and yet, the moment he embraced… Read more: the courage to be yourself - drowning in chaos, but the beat goes on
life right now? absolute madness. i’m talking midterms, endless assignments, a four hour lab that’s looming over me like a dark cloud, and somehow, on top of that, i have to navigate friend drama. oh, and let’s not forget making time for myself which at this point feels like an afterthought. it’s like every single… Read more: drowning in chaos, but the beat goes on - a night of self-discovery, friendship, and love stories
some nights are just different. they start one way, and before you know it, they’ve unraveled into something deeper, something that sticks with you long after the music fades. after a long, exhausting day balancing school and work, i needed an escape. and what better way than to meet up with my friends at a… Read more: a night of self-discovery, friendship, and love stories - gay culture: opening your legs to friendship?
i was lying in bed with my takeout, lazily scrolling through my phone, when i texted my friend jason: is it weird that i don’t have any gay friends? it was one of those questions that seem simple but unravel into something much bigger. what followed was a conversation so layered, so unexpectedly raw, that… Read more: gay culture: opening your legs to friendship? - the ghost of first love: a feeling that never fades
There’s something about the first person you truly connected with that never really leaves you. I’m not talking about a childhood crush or a fleeting infatuation—I mean the first person you let in. The first person you shared your world with. The first person who saw you in a way no one else had before.… Read more: the ghost of first love: a feeling that never fades - my greatest love affair (so far)
There’s something in my life I can’t live without. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the only thing that keeps me going through the day. No matter how tired, drained, or overwhelmed I feel, it always manages to lift me up. I’m obsessed. Entranced by the way it smells—sometimes… Read more: my greatest love affair (so far) - gratitude, friendship, and the power of reflection
Last night, I had one of those moments where I just felt completely overwhelmed with gratitude. Not the kind that comes and goes in fleeting thoughts, but the kind that sinks deep into your bones—the kind that makes you stop everything and just sit with the realization of how lucky you are. I had just… Read more: gratitude, friendship, and the power of reflection - dissecting friendships in college: the art of being alone and together
The warmth of the sun on my face at the Glade, music in my ears, and my thoughts running free—this is when I feel most at peace. There’s something about being alone, truly alone, that feels grounding. But at the same time, I thrive in spaces where I’m surrounded by diverse people, people with completely… Read more: dissecting friendships in college: the art of being alone and together - no sense of urgency
Midterms are creeping up, and everyone around me is drowning. Study guides, frantic group chats, caffeine-fueled nights—I see it all happening, but I feel nothing. It’s like I’m watching a storm through a glass window while sitting comfortably inside. I know I should be stressed, should be cramming, should be feeling something—but I don’t. And… Read more: no sense of urgency - the privilege of apathy: when silence speaks louder than protesti was walking through campus with my friends when we stumbled upon a protest. students were chanting, holding up signs, their voices cutting through the usual buzz of campus life. they weren’t asking for much. just for our institution to stand up for undocumented students, to recognize the fear and uncertainty they live with every… Read more: the privilege of apathy: when silence speaks louder than protest
- sex, sushi, and self-sabotage
Last night, I had an amazing date—like, textbook amazing. But before we get into that, let’s rewind a bit. Earlier in the evening, I was living my best Sex and the City moment in San Francisco with my friends. We were sitting in a restaurant, overpriced cocktails in hand, dissecting our love lives and gossiping.… Read more: sex, sushi, and self-sabotage - the dilemma of getting over someone you never had
They say time heals all wounds, but what about the ones that never fully close? The ones that seem fine until something small—something you weren’t prepared to see—rips them open again. I thought I had moved on. I really did. But today, I saw something I wish I hadn’t, and now I’m questioning everything. Freshman… Read more: the dilemma of getting over someone you never had - the constant cycle at uc berkeley
There are days at UC Berkeley when I wake up, look in the mirror, and think: Am I even a person, or just a very tired shell of one? I throw on my usual rotation of “basic but functional” outfits. Oversized hoodie, jeans, my trusty sneakers. Only to step outside and see people who somehow… Read more: the constant cycle at uc berkeley - sex and the campus: navigating desire, identity, and connection
At a college that never sleeps—where connections disappear as fast as an Uber during rush hour—I’ve found myself questioning the nature of intimacy and identity. As a gay man navigating the dating scene, I can’t help but wonder: When did the pursuit of pleasure start feeling like a transaction, leaving real connection behind? Lately, I’ve… Read more: sex and the campus: navigating desire, identity, and connection - boyhood interrupted
boyhood interrupted: a blog born from a random day of inspiration Sometimes, the best ideas come to us on a whim. That’s exactly how boyhood interrupted was born—a spontaneous decision on an otherwise ordinary day, fueled by an urgent need to create something of my own. A space where I could express myself freely, explore… Read more: boyhood interrupted