there’s something truly magical about finding someone who makes you feel like you deserve everything good in the world. someone you can be unapologetically yourself with. it’s healing in ways words can’t fully capture. the past heartbreaks, the failed situationships, the doubts all start to dissolve, like waves pulling away from the shore.
but here’s the catch. the problem isn’t them. It’s me.
why? just why? even when i think I’ve found the man of my dreams, somehow, i make him disappear. am i the problem? do I sabotage the good before it even has a chance to grow? i keep searching for cracks in men where none exist, convincing myself there must be something wrong. and the worst part? these men have been nothing but good to me. Successful, kind, and treating me like i’m their world. not just one, but the ones before him too.
so, I ask myself. why am I like this?
is it a generational curse, an echo of my father’s choices? he cheated on my mother countless times. i’ve read, i’ve watched, i’ve heard. tiktok, therapists, conversations with friends all saying that when a parent cheats, it often manifests in the child in one way or another. what if that’s me? what if i’ve convinced myself, subconsciously, that this is all I deserve? or worse, that love is meant to be unstable, so when it finally feels secure, I panic?
maybe it’s my insecurities, my fears, my self-doubt. all projected onto these men who have done nothing wrong. and yet, I push them away as if my heart is wired to reject the very thing it craves.
or maybe, just maybe, it’s the universe stepping in. a quiet whisper telling me that this isn’t the right love, not yet.
psychologists say that when people experience genuine love for the first time, they can feel overwhelmed. If you’ve only known chaos, peace can feel foreign, almost like a threat. not because you don’t want love, but because your mind has convinced you it’s too good to be true.
so here I am, caught in the in-between. trying to unlearn, to accept, to believe that love isn’t always meant to be painful. that maybe, just maybe, i deserve something real.
and when that love comes, i hope i’m ready to hold onto it. i hope this new man is different. that he will change my perspective, my world, my love life. I need this. but either way, i am grateful. grateful for every lesson, for every experience that has taught me more about myself and what I truly want and need.
let this next chapter be different. Let love, for once, feel like home.
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