january 5th

it’s only the fifth day of the year and somehow i already feel like i’ve lived a full chapter.

last week i sat under a table, quietly, eating twelve grapes one by one. i tried to be intentional with each wish, as if the universe was listening closely. some of them were hopeful. some were vague. one of them, i think, was just asking not to feel misunderstood.

there’s a kind of ache that lingers when something doesn’t end badly, but doesn’t end gently either. no explosion. no villain. just a conversation that never quite meets in the middle. that’s the kind of ending that stays with you. it doesn’t hurt loudly, it hums.

i think what lingers most isn’t the person, but the moment where you realize you were asking to be understood and the other person was only trying to be right. there’s no blame in that. just a quiet incompatibility that shows itself early, thankfully, before the year has gone too far.

it’s only january 5th. i’m trying not to rush the year, or myself. i’m letting things sit. letting feelings linger just long enough to learn from them, but not long enough to harden me.

maybe that’s what the grapes were for. not wishes that come true immediately, but reminders of what i want to carry and what i don’t.

and so early into the year, i’m choosing softness. i’m choosing clarity. i’m choosing not to confuse emotional absence for peace.

some things linger.

some things are meant to be left there.