addictions

addiction

the more you look, the more you see that addiction is not one thing. it does not always come in the form of a bottle or a pill. sometimes it is a pattern, a chase, a hunger for intensity. for me it is not about a single substance. i am addicted to the rush itself. the feeling of something sharp and new, that quick hit of dopamine that makes the world feel brighter for a moment. i do not crave the thing. i crave the feeling.

my friend just came back to berkeley. she is one of those people who makes life here different, the kind of friend you can sit with and pour your whole chest out to, and instead of leaving drained, you leave lighter. she has been telling me about a boy. everything about him sounds amazing, almost too good. but there is this shadow, a habit, maybe more than a habit.

and here is the thing about addiction. it does not just disappear when you stop. it lingers, waiting for the next place to hide. it translates itself into something else, another habit, another vice, another rush. and it is not something a partner can erase, no matter how much they care. if you are in a relationship, it is not your role to fix that person. you can love them, but love does not detox someone’s life. if you try, it can end up hollowing you out too.

i think about this a lot because of my own brain. i have adhd, and if you know, you know. unmedicated, it feels like living with an itch you cannot scratch. your body yearns for stimulation, your mind scans for the next high. sometimes it looks like impulsivity, sometimes restlessness, sometimes just wanting to throw yourself into the deep end of life because calm feels impossible. it makes sense why people like me are more prone to addictions. our brains are wired to chase balance, and sometimes that chase goes too far.

to me, addiction feels like a shadow you cannot outrun. it follows you in different shapes, stretching and shrinking with the light. even when you think you have left it behind, it reappears in another form. and maybe that is why i chase moments, because i am always trying to prove to myself that the shadow does not own me.

the truth is, we all carry something. the question is whether we let it control us, or whether we learn to live with the shadow without mistaking it for our whole self.